Friendship and Autism

Is it supposed to be this hard?

Friendship and Autism

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

I read a post recently on Instagram that got me thinking about my experience with friendship. It’s something I’ve always found challenging: I struggled making friends at school, the friends I did have took advantage of me (something I only realised in hindsight) and I found it impossible to retain friends.

Something that seemed to come so naturally to everyone else my age felt like such hard work to me. In all honesty, it was exhausting.

This all makes sense to me now I know that I am autistic.

I do not experience the world the way allistic people do, so of course the way in which I experience friendships will be different too.

I have very little memory of friends as a child. I don’t remember going to loads of parties or sleepovers, playdates or just ‘hanging out’ with friends.

What I do remember is being much happier spending time alone in my room or with adults. I would always choose to sit with the ‘grown ups’ at family gatherings rather than playing with the kids as I found it more interesting. Spending time with children my own age felt forced, awkward and boring and I was often called an ‘old soul’ by the adults because of this.

If you ever watched the movie Matilda, I really related to her character. Sadly, I wasn’t magic and I definitely wasn’t genius level at maths but I felt a certain connection to her maturity as a young child. Like Matilda, I loved reading books, questioning things I didn’t see as ‘right’ and wanted to understand people and the world. I also kind of looked like her as a child which I think is a cool coincidence.

I didn’t have dolls or Barbies (that was more my sisters thing). Instead, I had lots of books, a dollhouse that I would arrange the furniture in, a Harry Potter Potions Kit which made completely inedible concoctions, a mini microscope that I would study little bugs under and lots of crafty bits like pipe cleaners and colouring pencils.

I have a vague recollection of enjoying dressing up in costumes such as Harry Potter (apparently I was a fan?) but I don’t remember ‘acting’ like a wizard or imagining I was at Hogwarts. I think I kind of just wandered around in the costume? Hey, whatever floats your boat, kid!

overstimulated witch, mermaid, medieval fairy?

I also enjoyed collecting things: I had lots of soft toys which I would line up on my bed (not play with) and I specifically remember lining up little toy cars along the carpet at my Grandma’s house. I also collected my teeth in a little pot once they had fallen out…I know, it’s weird.

I hated sleepovers at other people’s houses, especially if it was a group of us, because they all wanted to stay up talking about silly things but I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn’t understand why no one slept at a sleepover.

I didn’t like inviting friends over to my house because what were you supposed to do? It felt like such a huge responsibility that I had to entertain these people (a.k.a. my ‘friends’) in my house, rather than it feeling like something that was fun. I also didn’t like the idea of them playing with my things; What if they broke something? Or didn’t follow the rules of a board game properly? The idea of having friends over induced a deep anxiety in me rather than excitement like it seemed to with other kids. Instead, my brain had lots of questions: what if they don’t like my room? Will they think my toys are silly? What if they get bored? What if they think I’m boring? And most importantly, what time are they leaving?

Friendships at school

As an adult I hear other people my age speak fondly of their time at school and reminiscing on the ‘good times’: hanging out with their friends and going to the park after school or pulling all nighters at sleepovers. I truly do not relate. I hated school and I would never want to go back to an environment where you are forced to be friends with people just because they happen to be in the same class as you.

During infant school (age 4-6) I refused to eat my lunch in the canteen with all the other children and the only way I would eat was if my Grandma came in during lunch hour and sat with me in a quiet classroom while I ate my jam sandwiches (it was always jam sandwiches). No one understood why I did this at the time but in hindsight it was probably to do with the canteen being overstimulating and then experiencing sensory discomfort with food. I now know, this is because I am autistic. I think this separation and sensory need to be apart from other kids during the time when everyone was playing and socialising (i.e. building friendships) contributed to the lack of friends I had and my confidence in making them.