Midnight Musings

It’s currently 1.13am as I write this...

Midnight Musings

Photo by Megan te Boekhorst on Unsplash

It’s currently 1.13am as I write this.

My phone screen lights up my face, the glow reflected in my blue blocking glasses. I have my PIP hearing tomorrow (well technically today now I suppose) and so I cannot sleep. 

I came to bed as the sensible time of 10pm, as we usually do. I played a sleep story that lasted an hour to try and coax my into slumber. I heard the end of it. I played another and heard the end of that one too. I lay staring at the ceiling for two hours whilst Jake puffed blissfully in his sleep next to me. Sleep rarely eludes him and so I am left to face the loneliness of the night, as it kicks and drags it heels, alone. Even the dog is snoring. This is getting ridiculous. 

I twist and turn for a while longer, fighting to surrender the day and go the fuck to sleep. I am unsuccessful. I give up. I put on my blue light blocking glasses and pick up my phone to start reading an ebook. I don’t like reading on my phone but I have an app where you can borrow ebooks and audiobooks from the library for free and I have a couple of books on there that are due to be returned soon so I start reading one about autism. 

I am 71 pages in and have screenshot several excerpts to show my Mum and Jake tomorrow that I will accompany with ‘omg this happened to me in school too!’

It is now 1.20am and my belly is rumbling. 

I have always been a ‘bad sleeper’. Right from the moment I was born. According to my Mum I didn’t sleep for two years until my younger sister came along and then I decided to give the whole Sleep© thing a try. Seems like a slight exaggeration perhaps (I mean obviously I did sleep, just not often and not well), but I can only ever recall being a light sleeper. I have memories of waking my Grandma up in the middle of the night (on numerous occasions) and insisting that she accompany me downstairs and watch me perform the whole of River Dance alongside the video (yes, an actual VCR). She obliged every-time; what a woman. 

I don’t know the definition of insomnia…scrap that I just googled it:

“Insomnia is considered chronic if a person has trouble falling asleep or staying asleep at least three nights per week for three months or longer.”

Well shit…I guess I can add insomnia to my list of disorders. 

Is it possible to be considered an insomniac since birth? If so, I think that’s me, something I’m sure my poor sleep deprived Mum would have agreed with 28 years ago (sorry Mum!) 

It’s now 1.30am. Only 12 hours and 30 minutes until I will be at my tribunal hearing for my PIP appeal (it’s a long story and one that I don’t want to go into now - maybe that’ll be another post - but I have to go to court to appeal the decision of being rejected financial support for being disabled). 

I’m thinking I shouldn’t have had that cup of tea at 5.30pm yesterday. Caffeine does have a half life of 4-6 hours after all. There’s also a bloody noisy seagull outside that has been squawking solidly for hours. 

1.36am: I’m really quite hungry. Considering going downstairs to have a snack. 

I have just taken a sleep self-assessment on the NHS website and it has confirmed I am experiencing ‘a number of symptoms of insomnia’. No shit, Sherlock. I wonder what the average time is that people take that test. I can almost guarantee it’s some obscure time in the depths of the night.