Oops I did it again...

ADHD and 'object permanence'

Hello friend!

Photo by dianne clifford on Unsplash

In true ADHD style I forgot my Substack existed and so haven’t posted in a wee while… Oops!

For this, I can only apologise: I’m so sorry I disappeared and left you hanging…but I’m back!

This experience of being obsessed with things (objects, people, hobbies etc) for a short period of time and then forgetting they exist has been present my whole life.

When you buy a new notepad and use it relentlessly for a week before losing it only to rediscover it 6 months later (because it was buried under a doompile of paperwork and unopened letters), you feel a bit annoyed but also excited you found it. It sort of kickstarts the dopamine again because it regains its novelty.

But when this happens with people, you feel awful.

I’ve always gone through phases where I’ll text/see a friend regularly and update them on everything going on in my life (this is more prevalent in new friendships), only to drop off the face of the earth a few months later. I’ll feel extremely guilty when it’s pointed out to me that I haven’t seen/spoken to so-and-so for ages and this realisation is then followed by a spiral of shame: ‘I’m a horrible friend’, ‘they must think I hate them’, ‘they probably hate me now’, ‘what is wrong with me?’ etc etc.

Another way I experience this cycle is by not really missing people. I don’t live close to many of my friends or family (my Mum and one of my best friends are literally on the other side of the world) and yet I don’t often get the feeling of ‘missing’ them. When I am away from my husband I don’t ache with longing or cry or pine for him. And I can go weeks (months even) without seeing friends or family and be none the wiser.

Look, I’m not saying that I forget that the people I love most in the world exist when I’m not around them but also…I kind of am.

I thought this was a personality flaw - a moral failure even - and that it made me a bad person. I never really spoke about this experience in the past because I thought people would judge me and think I was a cold heartless bitch. Also, I didn’t want to upset my friends and family by responding to ‘I miss you’ with ‘thanks but I don’t miss you’. I may be socially awkward and very honest but I’m not completely unaware of what is and isn’t acceptable social protocol.