Picking at healed wounds for relatability.
How black & white thinking blinds me to the 'grey' of real life.
"And grey doesn’t sell online" - Charlie Rewilding.
When reading this in a friends substack, I was forced to reflect on how I was showing up online prior to my social media break. Entrenched in online culture, popularity contests and engagement metrics, I unknowingly got pulled into a world of polarity and divisive content. I thought I was just posting about my journey: being vulnerable about life as a chronically ill, autistic ADHDer, sharing my opinions on topics I care deeply about and providing support to others on a similar path to me. But in hindsight, it wasn’t just that. I realise now, I was subconsciously picking at wounds that had already healed just for content. Posting multiple stories a day just to stay relevant and constantly giving my two cents on every ‘controversial’ thing that entered the news cycle.
I love being a content creator. I genuinely enjoy making my silly little videos and educational carousel posts, it’s why I wanted to continue making videos here on substack. It’s fun for me. But somewhere along the way I inadvertently became a content machine, spewing out reels and stories and posts to keep the Instagram Gods happy. Occasionally, I would find myself rebelling against the algorithm and posting erratically or not at all for periods of time, only to jump right back on the wagon through fear of becoming irrelevant. Relatability became currency that translated into relevance and validation: dopamine.
I am a very intentional person and I genuinely believe my intentions are always good, whether that is posting something online or showing up in my real life. I will assess every single option, outcome and pitfall of any given situation before proceeding. This is one part of my autistic self that seems to override my impulsive ADHD brain that wants to shit post for a reaction or in retaliation to a troll. I will spend hours agonising over a single text, wondering if I have worded it correctly or if it could somehow be misconstrued (in which case I’ll add a smiley emoji just to be sure). This can be both a blessing and a curse. But having good intentions and creating a good impact aren’t mutually exclusive.
In hindsight, I wonder if I was adding to the divide of us and them - ‘us’ being neurodivergent or disabled people and ‘them’ being neurotypical and non-disabled people - as I chased relatability, relevance and ultimately, that golden rush of dopamine.
I am a very open-minded and considerate person, or so I like to think. I try to hold a lot of empathy for others - this has actually heightened since realising I am neurodivergent - and do my best to withhold judgement. However, this seems to disappear when something I view as morally right is challenged. My rational mind is pushed aside when someone threatens what I see as ‘fair’ and my moral righteousness takes the reins like a sleeper agent activated by bigotry. This can sometimes get ugly and complicated due to differences in my communication: I can come across aggressive or combative when in reality I’m just trying to express my passion for what I see as ethical and abiding by moral law.
I attribute my strong drive for justice and die-hard passion for social issues to my black and white thinking. It acts as a barricade in my brain when someone crosses a red line of what I perceive to be just. If someone is racist, queer-phobic or misogynistic, I just see red. On one hand this makes me very good at arguing and a loud advocate for marginalised communities (some of which I am a part of). But on the other hand, it blinds me to the grey and nuance of certain topics. This can be problematic, and in my real life it causes rifts in relationships because I simply cannot fathom any thought process outside of my own in relation to these issues. I become over-zealous, like a reactive dog that’s slipped its collar, desperately pursuing its target, out for blood. It’s exhausting. I'm working on it.
It is so easy for anyone to be sucked into the online portal of unbending opinions and single-mindedness, but when you are predisposed to a certain way of thinking, that slope is even slippier. Like many autistic folk, I am very much a black and white thinker and it can absolutely hinder me in certain situations. I want to learn to appreciate the grey (without losing my strong sense of justice). I’m not expecting to change completely - let’s be honest I’m not just going to magically grow out of my neurotype - but I do think being away from the black and white echo chambers I’ve created for myself on social media will help me understand the grey a little more.
Upon reading this piece back to myself I noticed it is a bit all over the place. I was going to edit it so it was more refined but then realised it’s a pretty good representation of my mind. So I hope you enjoyed the chaos - a peek into my messy mind.
P.S. I encourage you to read my friend’s post referenced in this piece:
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and I’ll get back to you when I can.
Love Georgia x
I am also share the link for my Linktree that has multiple resources for supporting Palestine, including email templates, petition links, donation pages, education and more. Click below for ways you can take action and stand in solidarity with Palestine.
I am so looking forward to discussing this with you, friend - I will write to you about it! But, for now, just know that this felt like I was reading my own journal entry. Proud of you for reflecting and working out what is best for you.