So much to say, so little executive function.
Inside Her Mind: Journal Entry
Hello you,
I hope the first 19 days of 2024 have been kind to you and I hope you have been kind to yourself.
I was ill over Christmas and New Year (not Covid but it felt just as horrific) and although I’m feeling a lot better now I think I’m still recovering. It often takes me twice as long to get over a common cold due to my chronic illness, and my ADHD brain wanting to fire on all cylinders before I’m ready doesn’t help. But I’d say we’re almost back to baseline, even if that baseline isn’t exactly where I want it to be.
Mentally I entered the new year feeling pretty hopeful. It’s the first year where I haven’t placed unrealistic pressures on myself to ‘be better’ and honestly it’s been refreshing. I shared a few of my ‘Ins and Outs’ for this year in a previous post and I’d say I’m doing fairly well with that list but there is absolutely a few areas where I feel stuck. So I wanted to share in case anyone else can relate.
Anxiety
Over the past week or so I’ve had this underlying anxiety just hovering in my chest. As an autistic ADHDer I often struggle to identify what I am feeling at any given time (alexithymia) and even though I am hyper verbal I have difficulty explaining how I am feeling and pinpointing why I am feeling that way. The real kicker here is that sometimes I don’t even recognise something is wrong until someone (usually my husband) asks me if I am ok because my mood has changed. It is quite difficult to not be in control of your emotions but it’s even more unsettling when you aren’t even aware of them and can’t differentiate them.
In order to pin point what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way I usually require support - whether that is sharing with a friend or by talking it through with my husband. I explained to Jake that I was feeling weird (when I can’t pinpoint the emotion this is how I describe it) and that it sort of felt like anxiety. I tried to explain that it felt like there was just too much in my brain and I was desperately trying to grab hold of it all so I didn’t forget it (something I’m all too used to because of my poor working memory courtesy of ADHD).
He encouraged me to do a brain dump and empty everything that was in my mind onto a blank piece of paper, highlighting the fact that it didn’t need to be organised or pretty or perfect in any capacity. Just get it down. This is the final product.
It is quite overwhelming to look at, I must admit and there are absolutely things I’ve forgotten to add but it was a really helpful exercise.
Screen-time
Something I’ve also noticed that isn’t where I’d like it to be is my screen-time. And in the name of holding myself accountable I am going to share my embarrassing screen-time stats from the past two weeks.
I don’t even want to talk about what it was the week before.
This isn’t healthy for me. I know that it affects me mental health, energy levels and motivation and it could well be playing a role in that underlying anxiety I’ve been feeling. I’ve never been able to find the balance with social media but that’s a whole other topic for another time because I have a lot to say about it and my relationship with it.
Long story short (says every ADHDer ever after telling the long version) I want to reduce my screen-time and it’s something I’m really struggling with.
Demand avoidance
Demand avoidance is something that everyone can experience but in neurodivergent folk it is a resistance to the demands or perceived demands of everyday life. This can include essential demands such as sleeping and eating as well as expected demands such as replying to messages, showering or going to appointments or work.
I think a big reason I’m struggling with my screen-time is because I’m using it as a coping mechanism for my lack of executive function and as a result of demand avoidance. Let me explain…
I ‘need’ to shower but my brain is perceiving that as a demand so I’ll scroll on my phone instead.
I ‘need’ to leave at 9.30 to get to work on time but my brain is perceiving that as a demand so I’ll just check instagram one last time instead (resulting in me being late).
I ‘need’ to go to sleep because it’s late but my brain is perceiving that as a demand so I’ll just read one more chapter of my book (3 hours later…).
Let me be clear, demand avoidance and executive functioning differences are not laziness. It is not a choice. I want to be able to do the things on my list each day but sometimes I simply can’t.
Messy creativity
And finally, messy creativity. I’ve had some kind of block when it comes to doing the things I love most lately: reading and writing have been especially hard which is frustrating.
One of my ‘Ins’ for 2024 was to do the damn thing regardless of whether it will be ‘good’ or not. A lot of the time I put not doing these things down to perfectionism and my all-or-nothing mindset but I’m starting to realise that isn’t always the reason.
I think my differences with executive functioning, demand avoidance and subsequently my unhealthy relationship with social media is preventing me from doing these things. It’s frustrating because I’m still having all the creative ideas but not quite enough executive function to actually do them.
My ADHD brain functions well under pressure. Give me a deadline and I will meet it. I’ll probably panic-complete it the night before and there will likely be a bit of kicking and screaming (and probably tears) but I will complete it. With that being said I am presenting myself with a challenge (and sharing here to hold myself accountable) in the hope that my ADHD brain can override my demand avoidance.
I will be sending at least one long form post to my paid subscribers every week on my substack for the foreseeable.
I’ve said it now, so no backing out!
With that in mind, I need your help. What do you want to learn/read about? Do you want educational posts? Personal updates? BTS of the bookshop? Something else? Please let me know in the comments below or send me a message on Instagram letting me know.
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Talk to you soon!
Georgia x